Sorting and Crying Through a Life
It’s surreal. Going through a person’s life. Tax statements back to 82. Family pictures. Tears come and go. We sob. We recover. Then we sort through clothes still in shop packaging, freight train schedules, and investment books. My quest to find the paper. His will, so I can fulfill his wishes and not mine.
So far it is just me. My missus is too busy. She has work wars to fight of her own and I respect that. My kids are too young. It seems strange to me that they do not cry. I cried when Uncle Seth and Bubba died. But I was much younger than they. Are modern American teenagers immune to deep feelings? Or were they just not around Uncle Mike enough? No one cries with me.
My work is good. They called to remind me that I can take a five day leave. Bless em. I hope my head is screwed on right by then. My brother’s neighbors cry more than my family seems to. I have looked for my sister and some of my cousins but to no avail. One of them had called looking for Mike last week. Now I’m trying to find his number and I may have located it. Will call him a little later.
Our aunt had promised to give my brother one of her cemetary plots. She had even informed the cemetary that he had the right to receive that plot. She never gave him the deed unfortunately. When she died her son sold all of the extra plots. Did not even offer to sell them to me or my brother. Would have been nice to have the opportunity to be buried near my mother. Thats what I get for holding my cousing up as an idol when I was younger.
So what do I do for this body that once held my brother? I want the will so I can at least have an idea. My inclination is to creamate him and sprinkle the ashes over mom’s grave and a couple of places that were special to him. But is that what he wants or what I want? Such a quandry.
I do not want a big funeral for him. I am certain he would not want this. He was a frugal man. Shit. What kind of man lives so many years without a job without being frugal? I am considering a memorial service. But where? He did not attend church. While going through his things I found the Schofield Bible our pastor gave him back in 1966. It was in impeccable condition. I’m inclined to have the current pastor hold a Memorial service for him.
He also liked the West Alabama Ice House. I have considered holding a wake there in his memory. Some of his friends agree with that sentiment. They tell me he loved that place and he spoke of it and the folks there when he would visit me.
But where does the money for that come from? His bank statement has two dollars and change. He has a truck that doesn’t work. No will, so I do not know his intention for the truck.
Spoke to my best friend and jokingly said that I’m going to haul the body up there and build a pyre by his fish pond and just let it go. Sigh…
Love the ones you should. Let them know it. And leave them a will and directions to the will. Your death is hard enough with out the heart breacking “treasure hunt”.
God bless all my readers. I do appreciate all of the comments you have left me. Forgive me for not replying. You are most kind and you do not know how much your words have helped me so far.
December 13th, 2006 at 2:35 pm
Once again, we’re reminded how fragile our very existence is.. and how we could solve further problems with a simple Will. I know that feeling of misery, and of loss, coupled with questions, when my mom suddenly passed on. You do well, for your brother..
December 13th, 2006 at 2:54 pm
I am heading down to Houston on the 22nd or so. The mister’s brother is in bad shape so we are going to give our support to him and his fight with cancer. I am sorry this has happened to you and your family at the holidays. Somehow, I think it makes it worse even though in reality, anytime we lose a loved one it sucks. sending you great big hugs
December 13th, 2006 at 7:48 pm
*HUGS*
take your time in sorting out. you’ll do okay. we’re here for you, at least in the virtual world and an email or chat away, if not in person.
December 13th, 2006 at 7:54 pm
hugs. you will make your brother proud. he knows what you’re doing for him you know? *wink*
it is sometimes these thoughts that will make the journey a little more bearable. hugs again.
December 13th, 2006 at 9:28 pm
sometimes in moments of grief, all we need to know is that there are people rallying around you, giving you space but ever ready to be there if you need to talk or anything. in a way, i believe many of us grief together with you. your brother knows what you are going through and i am sure he’ll give you a big old hug (and more) some day yonder for the things you are doing for him now. hang in there, my friend.
December 13th, 2006 at 9:58 pm
A hug for you, and music to soothe and comfort your heart.
December 13th, 2006 at 11:26 pm
Maybe I should go get a will. I presume Hubby will know what to do with my body if I kick the bucket unexpectedly. But then…. I really dunno.
December 14th, 2006 at 12:48 am
*dunno what to say*
*just Hug tight tight*
December 14th, 2006 at 5:04 am
my condolences… sometimes people leave us at a moment where we least expected it.
i could never forgive myself for not wanting to take a picture with my cancer-stricken auntie at the airport before she left for treatment because i was feeling fat on that day. she passed away shortly after… and i never had a photograph taken with her.
December 14th, 2006 at 8:31 am
SA *hugs* , you take care ok? dont push urself too hard i know it is a tough time right now . but u gotta take care of yourself to take care of those around you.eh?
*smile*
December 14th, 2006 at 11:40 am
I hope that you’re able to find everything you need in the next few days both emotionally and physically to help you with your mourning and planning. *hugs for you*
I like your idea of holding his wake at one of his favorite places.
December 14th, 2006 at 4:01 pm
Funeral is for the living. I am sure you’ll find the right balance between what he would have wanted, and what will make it bearable for you.
A will is always a good idea. Funeral insurance is also another good idea.
December 14th, 2006 at 5:31 pm
You’ve been in my thoughts and prayers, man. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.
December 14th, 2006 at 9:34 pm
*hugs* *hugs*
I don’t know what to say………….
December 15th, 2006 at 12:03 am
You and your bro must be very close.
December 16th, 2006 at 11:01 am
*hugs*
December 16th, 2006 at 4:39 pm
Sa, it is hard yes. I am person i do not cry much when some of my relatives have died. But, does that mean i loved them less? i don’t know. Is just me, i react in a weird way, like i don’t know what to do. Like i cannot think it has happened to my family. Then, in the solitude, i give them my own special tributes. And i pray for them.
HUGSSSS to make it tru those moments.
December 18th, 2006 at 12:48 am
Yup.. life is short.. we really need to tell and show our love one how much we love them.